Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
