ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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