please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
