Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
