She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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