A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
