My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
