Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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