Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
