Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
