why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
