I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
