I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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