Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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