have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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