when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
