My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Success! We fucked roommates!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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