I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize