I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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