now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
