I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
