no, he came in my armpit
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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