Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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