Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
