Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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