cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Princesses don't give blow jobs
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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