God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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