my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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