I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
