your parents love me but you hate me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
