You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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