i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
