god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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