I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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