Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
