you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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