Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
