She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
