grandma shit on top of the toilet
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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