we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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