I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
