Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
