I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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