I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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