Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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