it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
