She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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