You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
