So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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