He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
