Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So squirting runs in the family.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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