Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
