I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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