dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
he just fucked me for my cheese..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
