if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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