Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
