sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
