I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
