i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
