At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
