i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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