i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize