fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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