Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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