everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
