with your own penis?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
