I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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